“Pop Out Loud” has now been out in the real world for over one month! I am a children’s book author🥳! Pinch me. Over the launch weekend, I experienced magical highly sensitive highs of my loved ones coming together to celebrate, selling more books than I anticipated in a three day period, and reaching a number one best seller rank on Amazon! While I am still physically bursting with gratitude, ironically, this was a period in time where my own mental health, physical health and sensitivity were forced to take a backseat.
Two days before that launch began, there was a glitch on my Amazon book account, causing the listing to be in jeopardy. Due to exhaustion, I let this get the best of me emotionally, and it did take away from me fully committing to celebratory-mode over the weekend. Two days later – on Saturday – my parents hosted a beautiful celebration filled with family and friends – and I secretly wished it ended there. On Sunday, I held a storytime at our picturesque local, independent bookshop. While the bookstore was simply filled with a small, loving group of humans, the entire scenario ate me alive! No matter what tools I tried to tap into, I wasn’t able to ground myself enough to feel present or confident (or stable for that matter). And honestly, it feels good to say that out loud as opposed to sugar coating it. After a tastefully emotional reading, I didn’t walk away feeling proud…just rattled and tired. Come Monday, my book and website launched online – definitely in my zone of creativity and comfort – but I was almost too exhausted from the aforementioned to soak it in! Still, I really couldn’t have been more grateful for every single human who showed up for me and my very first book.
This has been a good reminder that juxtaposing feelings can coexist at once – such as feeling immense gratitude and success, as well as burnout and instability. However, I’ve reached a point in my life where I believe nothing is worth compromising my mental health, physical health and sensitivity (unless for the sake of my children’s wellbeing). It took me four weeks to realize that I chose to push my own wellbeing aside because I thought stepping outside of my comfort zone was a key part in launching a book and claiming this next expansive chapter of life. It’s frustrating as I write this out because if you listen to my podcast on Good in Motion, I passionately discuss exactly how HSPs grow and thrive best within their comfort zones – while expanding them – as opposed to stepping outside of them. This western world is not designed for highly sensitive people. Therefore, HSPs spend the majority of their days stepping (being thrown) far out of our comfort zones multiple times a day within a range of settings from grocery stores and workplaces to driving in the city or turning on the news. One crystal clear example – an eleventh grade highschool memory – a teacher continuously calling on me with intense energy, to answer his questions on the spot in front of 50 students (cue flashbacks to “Large Group”). This would create so much panic and stress within me, not only would I freeze, I would leave feeling attacked, with a hatred for the class and in turn its subject matter.
As a highly sensitive person, when I am comfy, I can get curious, confident and inspired. When I am comfortable, I can tune out what doesn’t matter and my energy invites an inward expansion. Interestingly enough, I sold the most books within the spaces that felt most comfortable to me. So why did I plan such a non-HSP friendly launch weekend? Partly because I didn’t realize how consuming the last minute rush behind the scenes would be! But largely because I felt like I was supposed to, by society’s standards (something I thought I was too aware of to be swayed by!). I remember speaking with a fellow author-to-be. She was gearing up to launch her novel. I asked if she was doing any launch events, and she said no – she was highly sensitive and confident in her plan to spend a day at the ocean while her book launched online. I was so jealous (an emotion you don’t typically experience when you’re consciously creating your own reality). I have begun to realize: while I have very much found myself in this journey – more so than ever before – a part of me had been seeking out society’s definition of success. While it has taken a month to recover from birthing this book baby, I have found myself overwhelmed with gratitude for the support I received at my book launch and every day since. And, I am equally as grateful to be in a place where I can examine everything from a rested, clear perspective and remember exactly why I set out to do this in the first place: to design a life on my terms, as highly sensitive person. I look forward to investing in the success of this book by honouring my sensitivity and seeing how far that will take me.
