A Consequence Of Social Constructs

“I played soccer growing up”: the lie I told my husband when I first met him 17 years ago. Lol. He didn’t even ask, but I was so used to meeting new people and the question of, “What sport do you play?”, following shortly after – with an expectation that participating in an activity is a life requirement, as if just being isn’t enough. Of course I understand this is a general question asked to get to know someone’s interests, but after years of feeling dangerously low self-worth in any sort of group activity – leaving me utterly confused what my own hobbies were (did I even have any?), this started to become a trigger. So to block that trigger from popping up, I confidently told him that I played soccer growing up. Lol again. But how sad that I felt this added value or worth to my existence – and why would I feel that way? Playing a sport at a young age became socially constructed with respect and pride. So the absence of a sport resulted in an absence of respect and pride – for reference, please review any 90’s rom-com (or possibly ponder your own experiences?). Note: when I ended up confessing to my husband that I lied about ever playing soccer, he had no memory of me telling him in the first place.

The Orchid And The Dandelion

This ties into my previous blog on how society glamourizes stepping out of your comfort zone as if it’s the only way to experience growth. For highly sensitive kids, being put on the spot (eg. taking turns in dance class to perform, receiving criticism from a harsh teacher, or being called on to play goalie, etc) is not just uncomfortable, it is extremely jarring (from my own recollection, the feeling I got could be described as threatening or petrifying). This is interesting to me since sports are intended to boost health and socialization, while in reality they can cause mental health to deteriorate and make a lot of people want to crawl into a hole. Some may argue that this pain and suffering is a part of learning and growing up. I personally think that’s an extremely dated view, and out of all elements of life, the activities that we choose to invest in, should provide a sense of fulfillment and joy. There are many studies that prove when highly sensitive children are in the right environments and raised by nurturing parents and teachers, they prosper. “The Orchid And The Dandelion” (2019) by W. Thomas Boyce, MD, comes to mind here. Boyce spent almost 40 years researching the human stress response in children and observed that the majority of children tend to be like dandelions; able to thrive in various environments, unphased by diverse stimuli, and able to cope with challenges. And, that a minority of children, which he compares to the orchid flower, are more biologically sensitive to environmental and social stimuli, making it harder for them to thrive in a variety of environments, but once they establish the right one – they flourish. It’s important to note that Boyce’s findings show: “a highly sensitive child whose teacher is authoritarian and cold, who praises only those who fit within a narrow framework of expectations, is more likely to experience depression and other problems impacting their mental and physical health and academic success as years go by.”

The Mental vs. Physical

I’m beginning to realize the parallels of playing a sport and being a highly sensitive person. Skillfully learning a sport requires as much practice as mindfully navigating sensitivity. Some moments you lose; others you win. Just as players on the field call for and offer physical support to their teammates, HSPs have extraordinary abilities to provide emotional support to their network. At the end of the day, both realms require rest and are exhausting and rewarding all at once! My overwhelm of group activities used to make me feel isolated, but today I choose to honour my sensitivity as my sport, instead of feeling inadequate for not excelling in athletics.

You’re Allowed To Live Differently

To this day (and very much so in west coast culture), there is a social standard to play a sport, if not multiple, starting at an extremely young age. Parents are filling up calendars with extracurricular activities faster than ever before – and that can be wonderful, for a lot of parents and children – but it’s okay if this lifestyle doesn’t work for certain families. Not only that, but it’s entirely possible for families to prioritize routines, physical health, getting outdoors, and teamwork, without misaligned group activities. As a mom, I go forward without imposing preconceived feelings onto my children, but with mindfulness in each unique situation. I follow the lead of my children when it comes to activities, encouraging their interest and supporting any signs of distrust. I have no problem removing them (dare I say, “quitting“) after trying out a class or two if it doesn’t feel right for them. With open communication and fostering self-expression in our children, a strong sense of self-worth can develop as they go on to develop their own interests. It’s that sense of self-worth that becomes key to adapting, and even thriving in more fast-paced or higher-pressure environments. And the younger we can cultivate that sense of inner-worth, the better.